All or Nothing
by DaniiButNotBeck
Summary: "We're losing light, losing light, yeah, we're fading fast. We had a fire, need a spark, or we'll never last. Just look at me, look at me; I've been burning for you so long, so long." Four-shot
1. Chapter 1

Title: All or Nothing

Pairing: Olivia Benson/Brian Cassidy; Olivia Benson/Alex Cabot

Rating: K+

Author's Note: As you all know, these characters aren't mine. They belong to Dick Wolf and NBC.

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Chapter One

She's staring out the window at the New York City skyline again, her hands wrapped around a hot mug of tea, a throw blanket draped over her legs.

He's leaning against the kitchen counter, watching her, his heart thudding uncomfortably in his chest. He holds the little blue box tightly, as if it will disappear if he loosens his grip.

He loves her, the woman sitting on the couch. He loves her more than he ever thought was possible. He loves her fully, deeply, wholly, with every fiber of his being.

But he can feel the rift between them.

He's sharing her with a ghost, the memory of what she had with someone else – something that was truly over a decade ago and now only resembles a shell of a friendship.

Something dark unfurls in his stomach at the thought and the dangerous feeling of jealousy creeps up his spine. He shakes his head to clear his mind and stows the little box in the drawer he knows she never goes in. He quickly runs his hand through his hair and moves to sit beside her on the couch.

Her eyes are cloudy and distant and, if he looks closely, he can see the light shine of unshed tears. And he knows without a doubt that she is not thinking of him.

These are the nights that he wishes she didn't kiss him in that hospital room.

He wraps his arm around her shoulders and turns on the tv to whatever game is currently on, knowing he won't be paying attention to it.

She shifts so she is leaning against him and sighs contentedly at the warmth of his body.

He leans down, intent on kissing the top of her head, just as she tilts her head up, and their lips meet in a gentle kiss.

She deepens it, just as he expects. But he ends it, pulling back and looking back at the tv.

On these nights, he refuses to let it go further. It isn't as if he doesn't want to – Lord knows he does – he just wants her to be in the right frame of mind.

He wants her – all of her – there with him; part of her won't cut it.

She places her empty mug on the coffee table and turns her attention to the basketball game playing on the tv.

"You were thinking about her again, weren't you?" he asks, not taking his eyes off the tv.

Beside him, she sighs. "Not on purpose," she says. "She called me today."

"What did she want?" He winces at his harsh tone.

"She wants to have lunch tomorrow."

"And?"

"She's my best friend, Brian."

Brian shrugs. "You're an adult, Liv. You can make your own decisions."

Olivia sighs, running her hand through her hair. "I think I'm gonna go."

"Okay." Brian groans, pushing himself to his feet. "I'm gonna head to bed; got an early day tomorrow. How much longer will you be up?"

Olivia shrugs. "I'll be in in a little bit."

Brian nods and heads for the bedroom, stopping and turning around when Olivia calls his name.

Olivia smiles sadly. "I love you."

"Yeah, Liv," Brian says. "I know." He stands in the bedroom doorway, watching her long after she has turned around, his shoulders heavy with worry.

The feeling of finality settles over the room like a thick fog. And Brian knows come this time tomorrow night, he will have lost her.

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	2. Chapter 2

Title: All or Nothing Chapter 2

Author's Note: For disclaimer, see chapter one.

Author's Note 2: Thank you so much for your kind reviews. I can't even begin to articulate how much they mean to me.

Author's Note 3: There are some quotes from Grey's Anatomy in here. I do not own them.

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* * *

Chapter Two

"You're nervous," she points out, the pointed stare of her deep blue eyes making Olivia blush.

Olivia takes a sip of water from the glass on the table and averts her eyes, eliciting a smirk from the woman sitting across from her. "I'm not nervous."

The woman's eyes sparkle with mirth. "It's just lunch, Liv. I'm not asking you to come home with me."

Olivia blush grows deeper. "Alex."

Alex laughs. "Relax, Liv," she says, reaching across the table to rest her hand on top of Olivia's.

The lapse in conversation is fraught with tension and the undertones of something _more_.

Their meals arrive in time to save them from making an immense mistake. They eat in silence, enjoying each other's company but distancing themselves emotionally.

"How's Brian" Alex asks bitterly, halfway through her lunch.

Olivia sighs. "You don't have to ask about him, Alex."

Alex quirks her eyebrow. "Trouble in paradise?"

_Yes_, she thinks. "No," she says. _He knows I'm still in love with you. He knows you kissed me in your office two weeks ago_. "Everything's fine."

"Then how is he?"

"He's _fine_, Alex." She runs her hand through her hair, exhaling slowly. "We're fine."

"He knows?"

"About the kiss?" Olivia asks. Alex nods. "He knows. We talked about it. I swore it wouldn't happen again. It _can't_ happen again. End of story."

A flicker of disappointment dances in Alex's eyes, disappearing almost as soon as it appears. "Is it, Liv?" she asks. "Is it the end of the story?"

Olivia swallows harshly, her throat suddenly too dry. She shakes her head, floundering. "It has to be."

Alex shrugs. "Nothing is set in stone." She lays some money on the table and tilts her head toward the door.

Curious, Olivia follows her out of the restaurant and down the street, careful to avoid letting their hands touch.

Bitter-cold December winds whip down the street, ruffling their hair and biting through their jackets.

Alex stops them in front of Rockefeller Center and they gaze up at the Christmas tree, each relishing in the memories created here.

"Why are we here, Alex?" Olivia asks.

"You brought me here on our first date," Alex says. "We were standing right here when I mentioned how cold it was and you gave me your jacket and bought the most expensive cup of hot chocolate I've ever had." She pauses, wiping discreetly at her eyes. "Against everything I believed in, I knew then that you are the person I'm meant to spend my life with."

"Don't do this, Alex." Olivia shakes her head. "I have a boyfriend."

Alex turns and looks at Olivia, her eyes wide and earnest, pleading. "You could have a wife," she says, taking hold of Olivia's hand. "I love you, Olivia Benson, more than I ever expected to love another person. There's no one I can imagine by my side but you. So, pick me, Olivia Benson. Choose me. Love me. Because I can give you everything you've ever wanted and then some. I can love you more than he can. Just. Pick. Me."

Olivia swallows hard, pulling her hand out of Alex's grasp and backing away. She shakes her head. "No, Alex, we can't. I can't."

"But you want to."

"God, Alex, yes! Of course I want to. It's been hell without you."

"But?"

Olivia sighs sadly. "But I'm with Brian and I love him."

And just like that, Alex's world falls apart around her. "Okay," she says. "Okay. I'm sorry, Liv." She pulls her jacket tight around herself and walks away, not bothering to look back.

Olivia watches Alex walk away, her heart pounding hard in her chest. "Yeah, Alex. Me too."

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	3. Chapter 3

Title: All or Nothing Chapter 3

Author's Note: For disclaimer, see chapter one.

Author's Note 2: You guys. You guys. You're all so kind and your support for this story just honestly floors me. Thank you so much.

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* * *

Chapter Three

"How was lunch?" Brian asks as soon as Olivia walks in the door.

Olivia sighs, hanging her purse and jacket on the hooks by the apartment door. "Good," she says, because it was, even if their discussion did not end well.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she says just a little too quickly.

Brian comes out of the kitchen holding two plates of chicken and rice and steamed vegetables. He sets the plates on the table and takes his seat. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Olivia sinks into the chair across from him and shakes her head, beginning to eat her dinner. "There's nothing to talk about, Brian."

Though he is unconvinced, Brian just nods and eats his dinner.

The silence that exists throughout dinner is tense and uncomfortable. Any attempt at small talk is brushed aside with one-word answers or simple nods. Attempts at full-length conversations are nonexistent.

It is a couple hours later, when they are enjoying an after-dinner movie, that Olivia decides to talk about her lunch with Alex.

She stares ahead at the tv, seeing it but not really watching it. Her stomach is in knots and her hands are shaking. "She, uh, she asked me to marry her."

The breath leaves Brian's body in a sudden rush. He forces himself to remain calm and think rationally, instead of acting on impulse and raw emotion. "What'd you say?"

"No."

"But you wanted to say yes." He says this matter-of-factly, as if it is the most obvious thing in the world.

A beat and then: "No."

Brian sighs. "I can be out of here by morning."

Olivia's brow furrows. "Brian—"

Brian shakes his head, forestalling Olivia's argument. "You know, Liv, I figured the kiss was a one-time thing. I thought maybe it was just the stress of a tough case or a heated argument, but then I remembered you two almost got married before she got shot, and I realized it could never be a one-time thing."

He sighs, running his hands over his face. "I was going to ask you to marry me," he says. "I bought the ring two months ago; I was just waiting for the right time. But now I'm glad I didn't. You're never going to love me as much as you love her, Liv. I know it and you know it. So you should just be with her."

He stands up and heads for the bedroom, turning around when he gets to the door. "I'm not mad, Liv, at all. I'm…disappointed and…I dunno. Tired, I guess. I wish this had happened before I was too invested."

"I'm sorry," Olivia says.

Brian shrugs. "What could you have done?"

Olivia nods. "You don't have to go," she says, standing up and walking to the bedroom. "None of this was your fault; I should be the one leaving."

"Liv—"

Olivia shakes her head. Walking into the bedroom, she rummages through the closet, tossing a duffel bag on the bed, followed by a few pairs of clothes and other necessities. She picks up the bag and crosses the room, pressing a light kiss to Brian's cheek. "I'm sorry it worked out this way."

Brian nods. "I know."

"Take care, Brian."

"You too, Liv."

Olivia closes the apartment door behind and stands in the hallway for a few minutes, the reality of what just happened hitting her hard. With a heavy sigh, she walks down the hallway to the elevator.

She does not look back.

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	4. Chapter 4

Title: All or Nothing Chapter 4

Author's Note: For disclaimer, see chapter one.

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* * *

Chapter Four

After thirty seconds of incessant knocking, Alex whips the door open, making Olivia pause mid-knock. "Liv," she says, surprised. "What are you doing here?"

Seemingly shocked, Olivia blinks. She rocks back on her heels and stares down at the floor. "Brian and I split up."

Alex sighs. "Liv—"

Olivia shakes her head quickly. "It was bound to happen."

"What do you need?" Alex asks, stepping aside to allow Olivia entrance to her apartment. Her words are clipped and efficient, but devoid of emotion, almost as if she is slipping into her courtroom persona.

"You can say no if you want, but I was wondering if—"

"You can stay here?" Alex asks. "Absolutely, Liv. You know you're always welcome here."

"Thanks, Alex. I swear I'll be out of here by the middle of the week."

"You don't have to find somewhere else to live," Alex says, her makes slipping, replaced by a vulnerable sort of guardedness. It is not an expression Olivia is used to seeing on normally put together attorney and, for that reason, she feels an incredible ache for the woman. "I meant what I said earlier, Liv; I want to marry you."

Olivia shakes her head. "You don't mean that, Alex. You can't mean that."

"I do," Alex says. "I do mean it. I want you, Olivia Benson. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want the house in the suburbs, the white picket fence, the two or three kids – all of it. I want it with you."

"Alex—"

"I know it seems soon, Liv, but is it really? We've been dancing around each other for years and, I don't know about you, but I'm tired of it." Alex sighs, running her hand through her hair. "This was our plan before everything happened. So why can't we go back to it?"

"It's not that simple, Alex."

"Why not?"

Olivia shakes her head, grasping for a reason – any reason. Alex takes Olivia's bag, dropping it to the ground, before bringing her hands up to Olivia's shoulders and running them down her arms, linking their fingers.

"I want it all with you, Liv," Alex whispers.

Olivia nods, the first glimmer of hope gleaming in her eyes. "Okay," she says.

"Okay?"

"Okay."

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End file.
